Over it. How to deal with this?

JLW said:

The crying like a ***** comments are really unnecessary. I was just asking for advice, dude. I got it from a bunch of people, and it helped me figure out what needed to be done. So why the hostility?

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Honestly this is really easy. Her IL is mediocre at best, so she keeps telling you she would like to hang out, and on the rare occasion when it comes time to hang out and she feels like it, she will. But she isn't BURNING with desire to date you and to get to know you better, hence her constant dragging of her feet.

IMO you should just move on, quit contacting her, and let her get try to make plans with you. I doubt that she will, and long term this entire thing is pointless, but you may be able to get another lay or two out of it.

JLW said:

However she has mentioned in passing about how we are "together." It's important to note that she's French though, and French people are MUCH more vague about exclusivity than Americans.

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rationalization at its best.

im gonna be honest with you right now: she don't really give a fvck about you, all she wants is your attention. I do this sometimes to girls i don't really have much interest in just for the attention. I do have to admit, it feels good knowing some girl out there wants you so bad.

UPDATE:

So it looks like I screwed up with her.

She gave me this note on Monday (A COMPLETE SURPRISE TO ME). I was basically feeling the same things that she was expressing in this note today:

This is what the note she gave me says:

"Saying we're dating is an exaggeration. We barely see or talk to eachother. I feel like we've lost whatever connection we had. Being with you is awkward more than anything else.
You're obviously uncomfortable with me. I don't know if you feel guilty or what but you are definitely reluctant on getting close and I can't get attached to you under these conditions. It is a shame but that's the way it is.
You've been overly distant since we went out publicly so I figure you regret being seen with me or that you are not ready. I'm not someone you hide or are ashamed of, let alone someone you ignore, and I don't see why I should cope with this. You avoid spending time with me so I need a note to communicate.
We don't know each other much but you've never made attempts to get to know me, or us better, so why bother?"

I was too distant I guess. She was really upset when she handed me the note.

Keep in mind, I was only distant because I was under the impression that she was not interested. I liked her, but I did not want to get attached because she never really seemed all that into it.

Just goes to show you that you have to give a little to get a little.

JLW said:

The crying like a ***** comments are really unnecessary. I was just asking for advice, dude. I got it from a bunch of people, and it helped me figure out what needed to be done. So why the hostility?

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Because you came here asking for advice from people who have had or read similar experiences. I can vouche for Ease as I have seen this "chase game" routine happen repeatedly.

I advise you to listen to what people here say because nobody is wanting to give it to you raw on purpose. The problem is you're are giving too much to this girl credit. She gave you a note, a phucking note! She can't verbally communicate with you then you do not need to continue with this girl.


You need to read this part very very carefully because this is sneak as he!!.

"Saying we're dating is an exaggeration."

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^ Guilt trip, manipulative and disrespectful

"We don't know each other much but you've never made attempts to get to know me, or us better, so why bother?"

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^ Guilt trip, manipulative



You dont need this, tell her you're fine with her choice and next her. She is obviously trying to get the upper hand.

Should I bother trying to talk to her about the note that she gave me, or just kind of leave it as is? The reason I might want to talk to her about the note is to smooth things out with her so I don't ruin my chances with her social circle. There's also the possibility of explaining that I felt she was not giving me any reason to believe she was interested in anything serious. As a result, my reaction was to not take her seriously. But I would be interested in getting to know her.

Obviously she said some mean things in the note. But I can see where she's coming from.

But at the same time, I was only reacting to HER. For example, she would always tell me to stop by her desk. At first, I would occasionally, but I stopped because it just seemed way too clingy. I told her that she could come to my desk if she wanted to chat. And if she started coming to my desk, I figure maybe I could reciprocate by talking to her a little bit more. But she never did come to my desk. So that was the end of the desk chats.

It's basically been a bunch of stuff like this, where we gradually got more and more distanced from each other.

This sounds odd but her letter is from start to finish nonsense. Don't let it mess with your head, thats clearly the only purpose of this letter.

This is her breaking up (whatever you had) with you, and trying to blame you. She's taking what she did and completely shifting it on you, classic move.

Genuinely here's what i would text her right now:

'Wtf is this letter about? You are the one running around being weird. Of course im going to get annoyed if you try to change plans around all the time. Dont come to me with this bull**** about me being distant'

The anger is required if you are going to call something out like this. Best wishes.

Good call Ease.


I'll let you know what happens.

If she doesn't ever respond back, then whatever. I'm kind of over the drama anyway. If she does, maybe I'll try and see what the deal is.

Like I said though, if it's this much drama after less than 3 months, do I really want to bother with this girl...? We'll see how she reacts I guess.

JLW said:

I'm kind of over the drama anyway. If she does, maybe I'll try and see what the deal is.

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Those two sentences don't belong in the same train of thought.

If you're over the drama, then leave it. There is no "maybe" about whether she responds. Stop making your behavior dependent on hers.

If you have to imagine a celebrity playing your role, be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson about it:

Her: Baby, I was being distant because...
You: It doesn't MATTER why you were being distant!

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And finally, if you're not over the drama, get over the drama.

There is no "deal" in this entire situation. If there was a "deal," you wouldn't be in this mess. People who are willing to work things out never have to be convinced to do so. You tried already, and she didn't want to.

Imagine you're on your couch watching a TV show about your life on mute, and this episode comes on. You can't hear any words, you can only see your actions and her actions.

You see this girl being distant, being combative, and generally throwing wrenches in the guy's (your) gears. You see this guy constantly chasing, putting in effort, rearranging his schedule for this girl, all for nothing.

Is there ANY way that the guy's behavior this could be logically justified?

No. So you'd tell that dude to get the hell outta Dodge.

EDIT:
Forgot to include a link to make you feel better - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffo3_fO_RA8

So the verdict is that I should just call it quits with her?

What about mending things purely from a platonic/friends perspective? I don't want her going around school bashing my reputation. I gotta maintain an image here. It's a very small university.

By the way, the link really cheered me up. hahaha. I'm kinda down because of this whole thing. The note was a real mindfvck.

JLW said:

So the verdict is that I should just call it quits with her?

What about mending things purely from a platonic/friends perspective? I don't want her going around school bashing my reputation. I gotta maintain an image here. It's a very small university.

By the way, the link really cheered me up. hahaha. I'm kinda down because of this whole thing. The note was a real mindfvck.

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You're doin' alright, guy. And if she's the kind of girl who would relentlessly talk sh*t about you, everyone else would also be aware of that, and wouldn't take it seriously. You have literally nothing to worry about.

Because your emotions are running too high, I reaffirm my belief that you need to step away from the situation, because you can't trust yourself to be rational inside of it.

Finally, it's a big world outside of your university - never find reasons to go the easy/weak route. You're capable of better.

We learn to do the impossible by toeing the line every day.

Alright. I'll keep this all in mind.

If she contacts me to talk I'll still be courteous and basically say she made the right choice in terms of us not seeing each other.

Thanks for the guidance, guys.

JLW - this girl was interested. her actions say so - sex, efforts to re-arrange meets.

difficulty you had was;

1) she has a LIFE and is busy a lot. why didnt you make plans like 2-3 days in advance. thats what adults do. Nobody calls up one evening and says - fancy doing x y z.

2) you FAILED to build a connection with her emotionally, then YOU played games about meeting her up. Sunday was a mistake making time for her, you should have gone for Tuesday or something instead.

basically, and I may be shot down for this, but if a girl blames you and goes to the trouble of handing a note, she DID care. you messed this one up due to not being able to manage women.

Now things are AWKWARD and difficult to recover from. if you dont speak to her shes gone. If you wait a week, and then speak to her and work some magic you may have a chance of some more lays at the very least.

PS - do the french shave their armpits. just a thought :crackup:

Hahaha! So she dumps you (that's what the note really is) and you're still wondering what to do with this girl? C'mon man! It hurts me to see a guy still so utterly confused...

Since this one's already fucked up and you already gave up the chance to walk away with dignity with this one, what I would do you is just a good ol' "agree and amplify" and tell her "You know, you're totally right! I should have been more open about my feelings... yadda, yadda, yadda..."

And next time, please listen to what we tell you and walk away from girls with low/marginal IL with your dignity still intact.

Edit: Oh Lord! So now you've initiated yet some more contact trying to mend things... you're addicted to drama, aren't you? Or is this girl a HB9? Possibly a HB10?

I'm done with this thread. Good luck to you.

Pectoralis,

There were definitely some mistakes made.

The main thing that she wanted from me was my attention in school. She would talk about this constantly. She wanted to get to know me better. But whenever I said "well you know, you can certainly come to my desk too if you'd like", she would never come to my desk.

So to me, it seemed like she wanted my ATTENTION, not to actually get to know me better. Because if she wanted to get to know me, she would come to my desk to chat. Right?

As for the plans, there were times when I would call 2-3 days in advance and she would usually be able to do it. You're right. But when she asked me to reschedule and DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH, what the hell am I supposed to think?

I could "work some magic" as you put it and try to mend things with this girl. But why bother? What's it going to get me? I mean, I could probably have sex with her a few more times. But so what? I could focus my energy on quality girls that I haven't messed up with. I can get a fresh start with a new girl and actually start a healthy relationship.

This one has just gotten too complicated and drama-filled. Some of it is her fault, some of it is mine. But the bottom line is, I feel like it's kind of shot.

So short answer: Yes, I made mistakes in terms of how I handled things. I learned from them. But things with this girl are too fvcked up to be fixed. I'll focus my energy on other things for now.

EDIT:

Vatoloco, I agree. In the end I learned the hard way. As always.

JLW said:

Vatoloco, I agree. In the end I learned the hard way. As always.

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The part in the bold is the important part.

Any girl that doesn't even have the gall to TELL me that we're breaking up and instead... hands me a note, definitely gets a pass from me to ever be talked to again.

Why would you want to?

I look at this way.

She doesn't even respect you and herself enough to TELL you how she feels and end it. She just handed you a piece of person that was doing the dirty work for her.

It's a slap in the face, and there is no way in the world I'd even want to be friends with this girl.

You're better off.

Kailex said:

Any girl that doesn't even have the gall to TELL me that we're breaking up and instead... hands me a note, definitely gets a pass from me to ever be talked to again.

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Agreed.


It's difficult to diffuse all of the "what ifs" and "if only I had done..." scenarios from my head with this one. My emotions are telling me to talk to her and try and explain myself, but my brain is telling me that she's just using the note as a manipulative tool so that she can put all the blame on me, while I have no way to respond to it.

It's SO frustrating having her tell me how I was so distant and non-communicative. She misinterpreted/misrepresented all my actions (some of it unintentionally, most of it intentionally). There are few things worse than being accused of something and not be able to defend yourself. Or even worse, knowing that attempting to defend yourself is a waste of time.

I obviously will NOT talk to her. I deleted her number and her facebook so I don't accidentally do it when im drunk or something. But it's still tough.

I'll do my best to forget about her and this whole dramatic episode and focus on my school work in the meantime.

Thanks for all the advice, guys.