The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

I came to the site when i initially got dumped. i saw the no contact challenge and decided to put it into place. here it goes:

Nov 11: she emailed me and told me its over
Nov12-13: i did the stupidest thing and called and called her over and over again.

Nov 14 i saw this site and it changed my whole mindset. I realized my mistakes and what i had done and decided to put NC into place.

Over the course of next 2 weeks, i received a few emails, some of which i ignored and eventually when she emailed me at work i responded. finally one email said she missed NYC and everything there since she had moved to the west coast for college. She wanted to see me when she came back for the break. I said no, it isnt a good idea and got no response so i left it at that and moved forward.

Dec 18th: I accidentally unblock her on my IM while changing some settings and she IMs me.
Her: hi
me: hi
her: how are you?
me: fine
me: how are you
H: I am alright
H: school is over
me: why are you iming me
H: just to say hi
M: do you have anything else to say
H: (some generic how are things crap)
M: you didnt respond to my email
H: i didnt know what to say, i understand, i had a good birthday but i didnt get a happy birthday from you
M: i didnt think that mattered
H: it does to me
H: you are my best friend
H: you were
M: yea were, that ended with everything else that you ended.
H: sigh, ok ill give you the space you need

I told her that she had some mail sitting at my apt that she needs to get and change the mail forwarding also. i didnt wanna go through any hassle so told her to pick it up from my mailbox when she is back in town.

I signed off and went ape sh!t crazy. yes i know im not over her and thats in my other thread.

So I guess you can say i broke the NC. My mistake totally. I had started to work on myself through gym and friends. I have resolved to return to that and put this behind me. Hence i resumed the NC Dec 19th.

wish me luck and im hoping this helps me get over her.

Don't do it, no purpose.

Also, they ALWAYS look way hotter after you're broken up.. It sux, but that's just part of it.

shortie said:

Dec 18th: I accidentally unblock her on my IM while changing some settings and she IMs me.
Her: hi
me: hi
her: how are you?
me: fine
me: how are you
H: I am alright
H: school is over
me: why are you iming me
H: just to say hi
M: do you have anything else to say
H: (some generic how are things crap)
M: you didnt respond to my email
H: i didnt know what to say, i understand, i had a good birthday but i didnt get a happy birthday from you
M: i didnt think that mattered
H: it does to me
H: you are my best friend
H: you were
M: yea were, that ended with everything else that you ended.
H: sigh, ok ill give you the space you need

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First I want to say that you're handling this way better than most guys would, so you definitely deserve at on of credit for that.

However, I just wanted to address this specific conversation. There was absolutely no reason for you to act like this; in the future, if she does contact you and you respond, be polite. You don't have to be super nice, but just polite, and distant. And keep it short. Stirring the pot will just cause more drama/stress/etc... And you need to be as positive as possible, not negative; you could use all the positivity you can get.

Alright felas,
I am officially 4 months of NC and 5 months of the break on the 25. 5yr+ relationship that crumbled. I am now standing on top of the rubble and feel better about myself. Just incase you are wondering, there has not been any official contact. I say that because I did have some random restricted calls that someone was just listening for a few seconds after I said hello twice each time. All I know is they were restricted calls and I will leave it at that.

My advice for people walking through the same hallway I did is stay focused, exercise, don't dig for dirt on her cuz you will find it and torture yourself more, don't stay home alone in front of the computer stalking all those social websites looking for her, if you can't stop thinking of her start praying till the thought goes away. Go to your friends and family you haven't seen or talked to.

I currently feel more confident about myself and don't feel damaged anymore. I was slammed and it took alot of praying to get back up. I thank this forum for being here. It was a rough time and haven't experienced something like it since 2000. I know there will still be thoughts, but I can conquer alot more now than I could in the beginning.

Guys, stay focused and you too will rise above the rubble and eventually stand on top to rebuild again.

JLay87 said:

First I want to say that you're handling this way better than most guys would, so you definitely deserve at on of credit for that.

However, I just wanted to address this specific conversation. There was absolutely no reason for you to act like this; in the future, if she does contact you and you respond, be polite. You don't have to be super nice, but just polite, and distant. And keep it short. Stirring the pot will just cause more drama/stress/etc... And you need to be as positive as possible, not negative; you could use all the positivity you can get.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the support and word of encouragement.

You are right, after the conversation ended and I had calmed down from going crazy, i realized i had made quite a few mistakes in that conversation, not the least of them were letting her IM get to my head, acting like that, and actually telling her to pick up her mail from my mailbox. Now my brain keeps talking to me about how she will be around my apt soon and I will run into her and all the other cr@p. im trying to spend as much time out as possible to avoid any of those thoughts.
I will definitely avoid stirring the pot next time and avoid trying to ask anything related to the relationship. its just not worth knowing what she thinks and why or watever. for now, all forms of communication except for the phone are blocked. phone i can ignore calls but i cant keep her from calling since i dont even know her # to block it.

Man new years is making this so much harder. someone said it correctly that the first of all holidays are the worst. I cant keep my mind off of her and what she is gonna do for new years and just stupid stuff like that. im really trying to keep myself busy but its hard to keep my mind from racing a mile a minute through all these situations.

this week is going by so slow and its only Monday. I dont even want to think about Vday but i know i am going to feel even worst when that comes around.

Day 1:
I read this thread way too late. about a day late. broke up and i groveled and try to get her back. but as time went by i realised i was just bamboozing my own self worth by begging. Hence, NC has begun and i've told her to forget it and i will not talk to her anymore.

thewickedm said:

Day 1:
I read this thread way too late. about a day late. broke up and i groveled and try to get her back. but as time went by i realised i was just bamboozing my own self worth by begging. Hence, NC has begun and i've told her to forget it and i will not talk to her anymore.

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Yeah thats exactly what happened to me. Read this post literally a few days too late. Came to my senses and decided this was for the best. welcome to day 1 and here's to many more, cheers.

Just came home and there was a post card from my ex in the mail.
the short of it:
"I came to pick up my mail and was really hoping to see you but i understand your wish not to see me. i think about you everyday and I still care very much for you. i hope you are doing well and have a happy new year."

I was like, seriously WTF were you hoping to see me for? Watever, im throwing this crap away and moving on past this.

2 weeks and 4 days of NC. My resolve breaks down on some days and I reminisce but i guess thats expected. Gotta keep moving forward and look to the future. there will be better days ahead.

Umm guys? I was NC for a month and 2 days. But I spend my nights on the computer (too cold to go outside). So from time to time i dig dirt on my ex (facebook)... I am just curious to see what kind of a ****head she is going to date next (i am curious to see if he looks better than me).

am I breaking the NC by doing this? How do i stop? I unfriended her but sometimes her other friends post pictures and she is on them...

Wasabi_Master said:

Umm guys? I was NC for a month and 2 days. But I spend my nights on the computer (too cold to go outside). So from time to time i dig dirt on my ex (facebook)... I am just curious to see what kind of a ****head she is going to date next (i am curious to see if he looks better than me).

am I breaking the NC by doing this? How do i stop? I unfriended her but sometimes her other friends post pictures and she is on them...

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nothing good can come from this man. dont do it!

what about deactivating or deleting your facebook? worth thinking about..

Wasabi_Master said:

Umm guys? I was NC for a month and 2 days. But I spend my nights on the computer (too cold to go outside). So from time to time i dig dirt on my ex (facebook)... I am just curious to see what kind of a ****head she is going to date next (i am curious to see if he looks better than me).

am I breaking the NC by doing this? How do i stop? I unfriended her but sometimes her other friends post pictures and she is on them...

Click to expand...

Yes you are... The purpose of NC Is you don't wanna know WTF she is up too.

Your picking at a scab man. The best way to get over a chick is to move on and start spinning more plates, and your game ain't up to par when your still sick in the head about your EX.

I agree with Weezy. We just came from this walk of life. I have said it before and I will say it again, "If you go digging for dirt, you are going to find it". I say this because I have, and it didn't get me anywhere by doing it. It sets you back.

Why search? Is it so that you can torture yourself? You might think that it is nothing at first, but then you see something that just gets your nerves. One day you might just want to see her pic, then it turns out you get more than that.

Go on with your future, "YOUR" future.Try working out or reading a book instead of going online. Spending hours on Facebook, or any other social website is such a waste, I can understand if you want to communicate with friends and family;but when you get to searching for her, it's dirt, and you will find it, trust me.The feeling you get will cut you like a knife.

so guys need some advice. as you noticed my ex sent me a post card around new years. two days after i got the post card, i got an email from her asking if i got the postcard. and asking how i was and how was my new years.

should i respond? i am nearly 80% sure that this is not a ploy to get back with me. we are definitely over and there is no going back from what i can tell. a friend who has been on this site for a while told me to respond with a short message to say i got it and im fine. he says i shouldnt cut her off completely but i shouldnt give her too much attention.

here is my take on that. if i email her, its only going to do things that are working against me:
1. she'll have the satisfaction of thinking that what she did to me didnt mess me up (which it did, i was a wreck for a while and sometimes still am)
2. it gives her a green light to respond using the means i used, phone call, email whathaveyou.
3. it also gives her control over when she responds to me and what she says. last time she asked me to see her when she came back to town, i said no and she didnt respond to my email at all. i only got a response over IM when we accidentally talked in mid dec (see my earlier post in this thread), so 2 weeks and she didnt care to respond cuz it didnt go her way. i dont want to give her that control.

what is your take on this? does this warrant a response or a response is a break in NC? thanks for any advice and your take on what i should do in this situation.

I'm going to stop talking to the girl I was posting about.

No Contact for me starts today. I accept the challenge and I will post on here whenever I feel like contacting her.
This is the girl I talk about in this thread:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=169090

Briefly, for anyone that cares --- we broke up because she had self esteem issues, and she didnt think I was supporting her enough. I had thoughts about breaking up myself, but frankly I am not very good at ending relationships.

This hurts. But I've been through it before, and I can do it again.

Serg897 said:

No Contact for me starts today. I accept the challenge and I will post on here whenever I feel like contacting her.
This is the girl I talk about in this thread:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=169090

Briefly, for anyone that cares --- we broke up because she had self esteem issues, and she didnt think I was supporting her enough. I had thoughts about breaking up myself, but frankly I am not very good at ending relationships.

This hurts. But I've been through it before, and I can do it again.

Click to expand...

mate i'm sorry to hear that. i read your thread when you posted it and thought you were doing well, and the advice you got was strong. it was similar to my situation so i could relate. the reason for the breakup sounds vague. you'll be right mate, we're in this together.

I didnt really give full details about the other things going on in that thread.

Essentially, she was a negative thinker. She was always bringing herself down because of low self esteem, thinking her dancing skills arent good, whatever. This happened a lot - perhaps once a week. I wouldnt sympathize completely because I thought she was doing this to herself --- and I told her this. I wasnt mean or harsh, I was just honest. She was expecting me to "support" her more.

I think now that maybe this is for the best - this negativism wasn't sitting well with me. It was not fun to deal with. And if I had just sat there and told her "Its going to be okay" constantly I don't know if I would have been happy.

I do have my doubts about this. Maybe I could have been better. Maybe she is right. But now as I sit here on the morning after the rational side of me is thinking this is probably for the best.

Im also in a bit of a tough bind - because I met her through the local Salsa community, and we would always go out dancing together, now Im in the spot of either a.) not dancing Salsa for a while or b.) going out and likely seeing her. Most of my friends in the Salsa scene are also people I met through her, so that make its even more difficult.

I plan to go with a mix. I'll dance Salsa sometimes, but not as much, not for a while. And when I do see her...I'll follow the protocol lined out in the original post.

Right now Im having thoughts about texting her or calling her in the near future. Telling her that she is a great person (undoubtedly she is), that I genuinely care for her, that I want to see her happy and that I know she can do better. Some of these things she has called into question - i.e., "you act like this is my fault", "you act like you don't really care"

You can see my earlier post for all the good qualities I thought she had. She was GOOD LTR material. She had a lot of great things about her. When we first started dating, I had a broken arm. She was driving me around to places. This was on the first, second, third date. She had a kind heart, genuinely.

This is why I think that maybe I'll letting go of this too easily. That if I really want this girl I will keep trying to counsel her. But I think Im probably deluding myself...Im not sure if it will accomplish anything. Thats why Im posting it here now.

This hurts, guys.

Alright so here is a bit of info. Met a girl 21 yr old (i'm now 27) girl back in May. Things were going along great but she kept on bringing up marriage and time lines. I payed no attention as I was just having fun.

So **** hits the fan three weeks ago thanks to a sexual problem that has occurred on a few occasions. I give her time to think and she comes back 2 days later that she wants my sex problem to get better but that we should take a step back in our relationship. She wants to go back to being friends because it turns out that she felt I was too dependent on here which was true towards the end but I am not going to beat myself up over that because I had no idea as this was my first longish relationship. She isn't sure about is she will be able to have the same feelings physically towards me as she did at the beginning. At the begining of the relationship I told her I never stay in contact with girls that it didn't work out with. So she is all scared she is going to lose me forever and that is why she wants to go back to taking things slow and seeing if her feelings develop again physically.

After hearing all this I made the mistake of contacting her again and again for the first week of being apart because I was blindsided and wanted her back. Our great talks turned out to always revolve around why the relationship went south. We have hung two times after taking a step back and she was cold and *****y until we talked things over more and more and what we needed to do to make this work.

After the second time of hanging out I was going to stop talking to her to give her some space but a few hours after seeing her she starts texting me and I reply like an idiot. Two days later she calls inviting me out to a IMAX show so of course I say yes and I ask her out for the dinner that night as well and we make plans to go for a run with my brothers dog the next day. So the night before we go out to IMAX she calls for some lame reason to tell me about what she has planned the day we are supposed to go for a run. I answer the phone and I am out with friends having drinks and she is like ok, i'll leave you alone but I say as long as it's quick. We chat for two minutes and that is all.

So time for the IMAX and dinner. We have a good time, talk about stuff and not our relationship. The next day we go for a run and she is again acting kind of cold and *****y. She asks me what I was up to that night and I say "going to the keg for dinner with friends". So this sparks her to freak out and start talking about how she is all upset that I am going out and having a life after we have broken up. I tell her continuously that I made the mistake of putting her before myself, my happiness and my career and that I am trying to get those three things back. So we have an in depth convo about what we are going to do after she has stated she doesn't want to talk about this **** anymore. Turns out that she is all jealous that I am out there trying to get laid and look for a new girl. I start laughing because she use to trust me and now she doesn't even though I am not with her.

I ask her what she needs to think about because she isn't sure about her feelings. She responds "I first need to know if you can go back to the social person you were at the beginning and weather or not I will come to dependent on her like I did at the end. Then I need to figure out if I can still have those strong physical feelings again".

I say whatever. Let's take a deep step back and not communicate for a while and let **** cool down because this staying in contact thing isn't helping. She agrees and we part ways. I change my facebook status that day and she does as well.

Each day I get stronger and start to think less about her and how confused she is and how confused I am because of her. I started to search the site about gangi games and no contact which lead me to this thread.

Right now I want to improve myself and re-focus my mind on my career and social life and things are working great there. It's really a win win for me. I improve myself either way and will meet a great girl or explore the idea of getting back with my ex although this is not the goal anymore.

So since she is feeling jealous and continuously checking my facebook page, I made step one of moving on and deleting her. I would imagine in a few days she will notice this and either call or text me asking me why to which I will not respond. I don't want her to know what I am doing while we are on a no contact break and I don't want to know what she is doing.

Overall I should have done this after her first contact about wanting to take a step back but I have never been in this situation and acted like an AFC. That is no more and I am moving forward with my life which is why I am here.

Enough background, time to start this challenge.

I feel fine with deleting her off my facebook. She claims she still loves me and wants to figure out her feelings but I don't want any contact at all so I can focus my mind on more important things. We have talked to death alot of our issues and I have clarity on many things except two.

I am still left un-easy about one thing she said. "I don't know how long I need to figure out my physical feelings and I don't want you to pressure me". Since she is unwilling to try and be physical, I don't understand how she will be able to figure these feelings out without trying to hold hands, touch eachother or kiss?

The other is the fact the she is starting to have thought creep into her head that I am out there trying to meet girls and get laid. I don't sleep around and she knows that. I want to ask her "How can you get jealous of me and what I am doing if you don't have those physical feelings for me?"

That is all I am confused about right now and what I want to ask but I will not because I am taking the no contact challenge. I will be back in a couple of days with any updates!