The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread [Merged]

I agree with you that the more you talk about it the more you stay in "it". I like the idea of pointing the newbies to the archive thread. And I also agree that there is a type of guy who is more susceptible to meeting one of these women, the so called Nice guy who tends to be brought up more by the mother than the all too absent father. Yet there is really only one type of woman or category of personality that makes a guy do Internet searches and register at sites and start multiple threads. In my own life, I had plenty of GFs, but only one that I ever started threads about.

The input I have on this subject is becoming increasingly more narrow, which for me is a good thing.

I can say with authority that I am starting to feel better these days. Having the opportunity to have so many people respond to my threads has been so helpful for me. I am glad I had that privelege instead of coming here and having someone direct me towards old threads (I found the older ones and read them all anyways).

Reading so many different stories over and over has helped me as if I were in group therapy. It helps to talk things out and keep talking about them until YOU get sick of talking about it because that is when you are healed enough to talk about it less.

I can see what some of you guys mean by this stuff getting old because that is a sign of me healing. Its about point of view. I might see a thread in the Anything Else section about adding peanut butter to the blender when makign protein shakes and I choose not to read it. The BPD threads will never get old because there will always be people out there who are going through what I went through. People wouldn't be so inclined to talk about it so dang much if it wasn't a real issue that they felt they needed to talk about or read.

When I feel like it I will look inside those threads and add my .02. When I don't, I won't. And when I don't, it doesn't necesarily mean that they shouldn't be there. I wouldn't want to have been denied the privelege of having fresh views on my problems just because of when I got here.

I've come to many conclusions after all the reading and writing on the topic. I feel so much better like I have been able to get it ALL out.

Paradox said:

I am reopening this thread because there seems to be a therapeutic need to discuss these BPD relationships (past, present and future).

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Danger said:

I think several of the BPD posters are recovered, but just like to help others through the process. I think this is very important and necessary to help anyone move past any sort of trauma. Make no mistake, BPD's are traumatizing.

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Therapy is sometimes defined as the act of caring for someone.

Reading all your feedback on my experience has definitely helped me feel like people care for me and have experienced similar things as me and it has helped. By helping others who are experiencing what I went through, I will continue to become stronger.

Interestingly enough I welcome you to consider a bold conclusion I have come to. My ex was unknowingly using me as a therapist for the latter part of our relationship. Always complaining and b1tching and moaning to me about her pathetic life. This helped her as if she was in therapy, as if she was on this board doing what some of us do. After a while it altered the dynamic of our relationsh1t. Sometimes I was in a great mood and then I hung out with her or she called and it was a srious buzz kill. The mood was all messed up, the spark was fvcked with, the romance and attraction were pissed on. I believe this was part of the reason why she walked away with what seemed like my joy as DJDamage referred to. Its because the relationsh1t ending was the same fvcking thing as her walking out of a long a$$ therapy appointment.
Learn to recognize wtf is going on in your relationsh1ts and do something about it.

Sinistar said:

Now to that 2nd point. How often is the failed STR/LTR really a combination of a guy who is extremely AFC/insecure and the women tries repeatedly to end it in her way (indirect). The AFC doesn't get it and it blows up on him. He finally comes here in search of an answer and being able to diagnose her Cluster 'B' makes him feel better, it wasn't his fault, etc.

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BPD or not, if a b1tch starts doing drugs (X, acid, pot) and having sex at 13 she is FVCKED in the head. My problem was being scared sh1tless and not knowing how to hit the eject button (found out too late - I was already emotionally hooked) coupled with bad timing (they always seem to leave you when they are most comfortable i.e. when they have someone else lined up and/or you are 'going through' something of your own in your life regardless of whether you were 'there' for them when they went through similar sh1t or worse). How fvcking convenient it all seems.

My point is I have come to the solid conclusion in my case that I am not just an 'AFC' who is daydreaming up this idea of BPD to enable myself to blame 'her', feel better, and heal under false pretenses.

Thank God I found this forum when I did.

Wow

I've been reading here for a little over a year, brought here following a bad breakup. The things I've learned here are priceless.

I fell for a Cluster B really hard. This idiot was a tramp and an alcoholic and I couldn't get enough of her. I was an alcoholic too and over the course of the relationship, I began loosing my mind.

She is the biggest attention ***** I have ever met. She would make out with her girlfriends right out in the open. When I called her on it, she flat out told me it was for attention. I always wondered for who's attention?

I turned AFC about 3 months in and all hell broke loose. I left 5 times in a year due to various behavior. I would always crawl back, begging and pleading, and she would grudgingly accept. Little did I know how things were unfolding.

After about a year I blew a fuse and left her. She played the victim, flawlessly. I was replaced in days and was left wondering what the hell happened.

I tried to drink myself to death. I ended up blowing out my esophagus instead, waking in a large pool of blood. I knew if I didn't change my life that I'd be dead soon. The best woman I could ever hope to meet would be one of her caliber.

I went to AA. I got a new, high paying job. (With no degree either *****!) I began to take a new found interest in my health. I eat well and exercise regularly. I associate with only high quality women etc.............

I know this is a tough read and is very vague. I just wanted to add that I've been there, done that. I was damn near dead after dealing with her. It's been well over a year now and my life is better than ever. If she ever came to my door I'd spit in her face.

If I can make it out, anybody can. I'm happy that I went through it all because now I can spot red flags like a champion. I discard low quality women readily.

I use a myspace tracker to see if any of my new ladies peek at all; and they do. But there is one person who looks at me every day. It's that Cluster B. I never look at her stuff because I don't really care to see what she is doing. There is a saying that I saw here in my times of desperation and I'd like to repeat it for those of you who may need it:

"The best revenge is to live well" - Frank Sinatra

Let me tell you that he was right!


Thank you everyone! I love this place.

Danger said:

This is so true with one of my girls (the one I am just certain is BPD or ACoH).
.

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Ahh, "ACoH ".. that must be *Adult CHildren of a Ho*

I have generally avoided the BPD threads because 1) I dont want to fuel the fire, and 2) I think while they serve a therapeutic purpose, latently they sidestep the obvious issue that there are certain guys who are predisposed to becoming entagled with these women.

I would never negate someone's personal hell with a Cluster 'B'. However, I agree with Sinistar and PE that there comes a time when you have to stop wallowing in your emotional sh!t; rehashing your personal tragedy over and over again as a form of immediately satisfying but ineffective catharsis.

The problem I have with Cluster 'B" and BPD being thrown around this forum so much is it becomes more a child of speculation than one of facts. If you think about it, and this has been observed before, BPD is really a group of normal female behaviors that is magnified to an extreme degree. Because some of our members have been through such personal hell with ostensibly legitimate BPD's, any time a newbie presents a case with similar 'symptoms' guys are so quick to slap the BPD/Cluster 'B' label on the woman in question that this acts as a scapegoat of sorts; drawing attention away from the only thing the guy CAN fix---himself.

I have been through my own hell with an emotionally damaged woman. I posted about it a lot in my early SS days. For a long time I wanted to talk about it over and over and over with anyone who would listen. It made me feel better, I got validated, and I felt less at-fault for the whole long, miserable ordeal. This is healthy to a point, but there comes a time when you have to be Man and take a long, hard, critical look at yourself. The REAL question is---and I sh!t you not about this---is why did YOU allow yourself to be treated like garbage for so long? Why did YOU keep coming back after such blatant emotional abuse? What part of YOU--deep, deep down in the darkest part of your soul--is broken and needs healing? Any person, man or woman, who repeatedly allows themselves to be used, abused, and discarded without regard, has something broken in them. This does not make you a bad person, but some point in your life you were wounded deeply and you need to be healed, or else you will continually seek out those who would abuse you--albeit in different ways.

I know this sounds all charismatic new-agey, but it is the truth. We all have hearts, and they can be wounded and broken. It is totally 100% acceptable to be angry at a woman who has done this to you--that is the correct response. But at some point you have to take your hand off her throat and recognize that she is a broken individual acting out of her own pain--whatever that may be.

Living in a state of perpetual recoil from what happened to you will only close you off to accepting something better, and moving forward with your life.

Colossus said:

The REAL question is---and I sh!t you not about this---is why did YOU allow yourself to be treated like garbage for so long? Why did YOU keep coming back after such blatant emotional abuse? What part of YOU--deep, deep down in the darkest part of your soul--is broken and needs healing?

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And that is the essence of the healing.. " Why did you ALLOW yourself to be treated like garbage FOR SO LONG.."
Why didn't we dump her at the first significant display of disrespect ?

There is NO simple answer to this question. It is NOT as simplistic as some faddish pop psych statement like," You had low self esteem ".
We will never know all the factors that were at work.There were several.

However, your experience with a BPD/ HPD woman will ,at the very least, dismantle your belief that woman are sweet innocent victims.

More importantly, the experience almost forces you to adopt some 'rules of engagement' for future entanglements with suspected wackjobs.

How about , " I place a higher value and priority on respect over pvssy."

THat 'rule' alone will save you from most suffering..

Thanks

Thank you guys for all the knowledge and insight. I'm still dealing with the one I wrote about a few months ago.

I feel like a drug addict. My mind is playing tricks on me, telling me maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe she'll be better now, maybe it's me etc. etc...

And the funny thing is, I know the only thing I can do is cut the chick off and have no contact. AND YET...I almost just called her!!! Luckily I found this post and got my sanity back for now.

i-shine-regardless said:

And the funny thing is, I know the only thing I can do is cut the chick off and have no contact. AND YET...I almost just called her!!! Luckily I found this post and got my sanity back for now.

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"Drug like" is precisely what it is.
Your body is simply yearning for the blast of brain chemicals that she triggered.
You are in recovery. Don't fall off the wagon.
So NO to drunk dialing.

hello guys

I am currently visiting psychotherapy (just started this monday) and test I have made with psychoanalitic shows that I probably am BPD/NPD/ASPD ~ cluster B male.

What my psichiatrist said before I even made these test is that there must be a reason that I have fallen for my exBPD (who is, sincerely thinking, way more fu*ked up and childish than I am I believe)..

Anyway, I am not BPD female who could explain some things, but I (I guess so) have black/white thinking, I enjoy conflicts, I like to put some ppl down if they are bad to me. Whatever.

But I don't think I am such monster. I do have friends. They respect and support me. But home or with women I have big problems like from as far as I remember...

Best regards

jophil28 said:

BUT back then I had no clue about BPD/HPD, AWs or sickos even though I had been dating around for 30 odd years.
I just called women "difficult" or" emotional" many times.
Now I can pick the difference between a normal "emotional " woman and a Cluster B wackjob in five seconds flat..

Knowledge IS power, and a man who is involved with a Cluster B needs all the power he can get. THE POWER TO WALK AWAY.
THe only place that I know that offers that knowledge to empower men is here.

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The DSM-IV-TR (2000) defines a personality disorder as:

"An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations the individuals culture (and is manifested in two or more of his or her areas of mental life: cognition, affectivity, interpersonal functioning, or impulse control."

First, an overview of Cluster B:

Borderline Personality Disorder is marked by instability. The patient is a roller-coaster of emotions (this is called emotional lability). She (most Borderlines are women) fails to maintain stable relationships and dramatically attaches to, clings, and violently detaches from a seemingly inexhaustible stream of lovers, spouses, intimate partners, and friends.

Self-image is volatile, :crazy: one's sense of self-worth is fluctuating and precarious, affect is unpredictable and inappropriate, and impulse control is impaired (the patient's threshold of frustration is low).

The Antisocial Personality Disorder involves contemptuous disregard for others. The psychopath ignores or actively violates other people's rights, choices, wishes, preferences, and emotions.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is founded on a sense of fantastic grandiosity, brilliance, perfection, and power (omnipotence). The narcissist lacks empathy, is exploitative, and compulsively seeks narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, being feared, etc.) to buttress her False Self - a confabulated "person" aimed at inspiring awe and extracting compliance and subservience from others.

Finally, the Histrionic Personality Disorder also revolves around attention-seeking but is usually confined to sexual conquests and displays of the histrionic's capacity to irresistibly seduce others.

Next week, I will invite you to meet a narcissist.:crackup:

Folks the reason we've fallen for Cluster B personalities lies in a lack of self-esteem. Or often those who get involved with a cluster B often have a personality disorder themselves whether it is Cluster B or not.

The bottomline it comes down to us to recognize the red flags and say no when things are unacceptable. It doesn't matter the definition because bad behavior is bad behavior and shouldn't be tolerated.

Keep the new treads

I think you need the live up-to-date threads. There are plenty of less important threads the answer to all of them almost always being “next them”.

I am in the just get on with it frame of mind because, I have been through worse than just a LTR with a BPD woman and it helps put things in perspective. Life is short, in a few years we are all forgotten, grasp some happiness and fun while you can.

I don’t think it helps to be overly critical of self. It is incorrect to say that falling for Cluster B is always related to self-esteem issues, sometimes but not always. These women can be very hard to pick and there appears to be degrees. Many medical professionals cannot pick a BPD, and one told me it would take her at least three months to get an accurate diagnosis. Some of the characteristics are seen occasionally even in “normal” women. It’s hard to pick because it is all in the pattern, the BPD is extreme, “I love you. I would die for you,” to behaviour designed to destroy you, and back again in a cycle over time. They can also be very highly functioning.

Some BPD prone women seem to go along for years without too much drama, but having a baby, stress, age, or something else seems to alter some hormonal balance and that can set them off towards the greater extremes of her BPD nature. BPD is commonly associated with depression also, so you can get into a relationship and the depression side can just come out of the blue. It wasn’t your fault, for not picking something that would become more extreme in the future, any more than if she was to get sick in some other fashion.

That said however, I think it is very true the whole “trust your gut” thing. If there is a niggling doubt in your mind at the start you are probably right. Now here is the rub..no women is perfect, and thus don’t we always have some niggling doubt? It is the danger of linking your life to someone else... What's there to lose? Everything to the extent that we assoctae with that other person. However, the riskless option looks a little unsatisfactory also!

Yes, we all need to move on. But it’s a process. One of the things I have come to believe about life is that it is only the people that have been there that can truly understand. The saying is, “It is not the same to talk about the bulls as to be in the bull ring.”

In the end all life is a gamble, the risks of which cannot be insured way. You drew a BPD – the highest highs and the lowest lows – you will walk away, you will survive, you will get on with it, you will be wiser, you will be stronger and in future you will always, always, always, look at how a woman is treating you in the full context of the relationship.

Keep the new threads up if it helps one guy, then it is worth it.

Countermart.

I don't get this whole BPD issue. If these women weren't "hot" you would think nothing of dropping them like a hot potato. The only reason I can see for sticking around trying to work things out is because of sex and a percived lack of options. I've witnessed examples of women with BPD and although there are probably varying degrees of insanity, one thing remains constant. If they aren't attractive you don't care.

If you dont get it, you dont get. The only way to really know, is to have experienced it. Its far more than them just being 'hot.' They are naturally masters of seduction. Most here believe that since they have no real personalities of their own, they mimic, and mirror your own personality, which of course you cannot resist. We love ourselves the most, after all.

Also, they are masters of deception, and manipulation. Like an invisible boa constrictor, you dont have any idea what they are doing to you, and who they really are, until you have totally fallen for them. They seriously BLIND you to reality. Even when you finally figure them out, they change their behaviour and suck you into believing that they will change. I believe the mythical 'siren,' or 'succubus,' was inspired by a BPD woman.

Liek I said, if you havent been there, you wont understand the kind of hold they can get you with. Its really easy to SAY you would dump them at the first sign of disrespect, but its quite a bit harder than you think. Im not denying my AFCness in the whole thing by any means, but not girls has had any where NEAR the emotional effect on me, in ANY way as my BPD ex. The highs you get from them, mask the truth about them, and you jones for them like heroin, or something.

"I don't get this whole BPD issue."

Well there really is no excuse for you not getting it other than you're being too lazy to read the plethora of threads on the condition here all about it.

Just saying bro you really should read about it thoroughly before commenting on it as a way to best contribute to discussions on it and if you don't want to do that you should be asking questions instead of making statements on something you do not understand fully.

"If these women weren't "hot" you would think nothing of dropping them like a hot potato. The only reason I can see for sticking around trying to work things out is because of sex and a percived lack of options."

Your AFC example sounds good on the surface and is partially true in many cases mine included when I was an AFC but it ultimately doesn't hold water as an ultimate truth about this stuff and do you know why?

A poster here named Pimpcicle was an ultimate DJ hooking up with hot chicks left and right, he had confidence through the roof and then he encountered a BPD unawares as to what he was dealing with and she almost destroyed him completely emotionally and physically.

He was not hurting for options or easy sex.

That story not enough for you?

Ok I've got another one.

The poster Tony C from BPDfamily.org was a bouncer for an upscale gentleman's club which we here on Sosuave lovingly refer to as a "glorified t!tty bar". Anyway Tony C was also what we here would call an ultimate DJ. Girls that came to the club and even the strippers themselves were all over this guy due to the way he carried himself and he turned down high class tail left and right.

He probably had even a finer selection of women to choose from than Pimpcicle and you know what? Once he encountered a BPD and fell under her hypnotic spell and the mirroring manipulation went into effect he too was nearly completely destroyed both mentally and physically. This hardcore ultimate awesome player, this great human being told me he was so messed up over the experience he almost put a gun in his mouth and ended it all.

These guys are still active at this site and the other one from time to time so if you want to know if I'm telling the truth or not about them fire them a PM and hear their stories from them firsthand.

It wasn't hotness that ultimately drew these guys in particular to their BPD's and kept them with these BPD's and come to think of it hotness wasn't the whole condition for staying with them in my AFC and other AFC cases either. In both DJ and AFC cases their mirroring of our personalities filled a void of some sort. Whether the void was the result of low self esteem and not loving ourselves enough or simply the void of wanting a soulmate our entire life because society told us one was out there for each of us the fact remains that the illusion that they provided for each of us in our individual life scenarios filled some dark emptiness that went way beyond just sex appeal as you have ignorantly tried to box it in as being in totality.

And once again I agree with you that without at least being tolerable in appearance we'd never give them a chance to begin with but I disagree with you strongly in the sex factor and appearance of the cluster b's being the reason their victims stay.

The victims stay due to the mindfvcking much more than the actual fvcking.

You can find that hard to believe all you want but then thats not surprising.

You've never been through it.

You have to live it, or you will never understand

Horaholic and KontrollerX know, because until you have been there you cannot understand. For me my BPD gave me the highest highs and the lowest lows. Think of everything you ever wanted in a girl, highly intelligent, fun, gorgeous, exciting, wide interests, activity, high-level professional, great sex, and seemingly madly in love with you. For me at least, some of the greatest moments of my life were spent with her....and the worst!

It is I think, a great fear of the person having been mixed up with a BPD girl, that all of her affection and love was perhaps just an illusion.

That understanding alone can become very destabilising in your life, because you begin to question what is real. This reinforced by the fact that you cannot find the same kind of “experience high” in any other girl you meet.

What if I told you everything you believed in was an illusion. Your parents and family don’t love you, if you are religious there is no god etc. It is like the impact of modern culture on an isolated indigenous culture, the indigenous culture falls apart because its historic structural belief system has been shattered. The transition from what may have been illusionary, to what is reality is very hard.

Remember that most medical professionals have a hard time diagnosing this problem and that most could not do it under three months unless they have an extensive history.

I don’t think I was AFC with her, quite the opposite when it all began in fact, and I did have other choices. I was seeing another girl on the side, but dropped her for the trainee BPD. But I was unlucky because it really came on in full force years later.

As Horaholic points out they are like a drug. Like drugs they destroy you, but you keep wanting to come back because you have tasted heaven, and when you have tasted heaven nothing can be quite the same again.

Countermart

There's another golden rule you need to take heed from:
Don't **** your coworkers!!!

It's very tempting and terribly easy to do, but woe to thee when things fall apart....

Danger said:

This site is great, I owe so many of you a thank you for being the surgical knife that removed my borderline personality girl tumor from my life.

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"..borderline pesonality girl TUMOR.." That is what they are, malignant and destructive to an extent that they can destroy your mental health.
Stick around for more post-operative followup treatment.
You may need a few years to fully recover.

Evzone said:

What are some warning signs that we should look for?

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-Tons of guy "friends" who aren't really all friends but guys like you that are made to think that they are her only man while all the other guys are just "friends" of hers.

-Strong abandonment fear.

-Self injury signs such as scars from cutting or burning themselves.

-Alcohol or drug abuse or both.

-Pathological lying to the point they will lie about the most trivial of matters.

-Really nasty BPD cases seem to be covered in tramp stamps and piercings ie think the Suicide Girls softcore porn type chicks.

-Yelling and screaming and flipping out at you also known as BPD raging for seemingly no valid reason.

-Jekyll and Hyde act where she at first acts sweeter than sweet to draw you in but then becomes the devil incarnate behind closed doors for you most of the time, you are then addicted to the sweeter than sweet side to such a degree you keep trying to win that imaginary sweet girl back only to be met by the monster. The rest of society pretty much always sees only the sweet side of her and if you talk of your problems with her to your family or friends if they are not particularly intuitive and believe too strongly in the goodness of humans they will likely think you are the crazy one for suggesting the supposed sweet innocent angel is really the devil in disguise. All of this BPD craziness combined with friends and family being manipulated by the BPD as well works to drive you the victim insane to where you begin to believe the problem is really you.

KontrollerX said:

-Tons of guy "friends" who aren't really all friends but guys like you that are made to think that they are her only man while all the other guys are just "friends" of hers.

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This is always the case with BPDs. They are compulsive cheaters and compulsive liars.
MY BPD exG/f told me once about one of her male "friends" whom she met for coffee and chat after school. According to her he was an ex Catholic priest who had an attraction to "unavailable women" ( talk about projection)..She swore up and down that he was just a "friend".

MY suspicion was confirmed one Sunday ..
WE had broken up ( regular occurence) a few weeks earlier and then she called me to "talk" one Saturday afternoon. I met her and we got back together in the coffee shop, went out on a date that same night, fukked like monkeys till 3am.
Then she disappeared ( hurriedly, with some lame excuse) at 9am Sunday on her way out to meet her male "friend" for a lunch date which had been appanently arranged a few days prior.
SHe neglected to tell me any of this during out date .

SHe came back to my place later in the day and admitted it all. The look on her face was partly one of victory, and partly one of having been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

I eventually met this particular "friend" socially. After a few discrete questions from me, he admitted that he was NOT an ex priest, and he was just another science teacher on staff. He wanted to marry her and, she had dangled him for the attention. He was crazy in love with her, and had written her love letters while she was dating and fuKKing me.
When I told him what she was up to with me he was devastated.Totally in the dark.

BPDs lie and BPDs cheat. Take that to the bank.